Learning to Breathe
by Mira Zareel
Summary: *CH 4 IS UP* more on the way...this may be the death of me yet. *grin* A Hr/G romance about friendship and a little bit more. PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks! PG for dark ideas,
1. Hello again

Learning to Breathe  
  
By Mira  
  
Summery: Something horrible has happened in the Weasley household, Can Hermione reach one member of the family before he slips beyond help? And what will she find if she does? (yes this is a romance…at least that is the plan…however it might not be quite what you think…)  
  
Disclaimer: Great Goblins…do I really have to say it? Yes? Fine…I own NOTHING…do you really think I own anything HP? Have you READ my writing? The only thing I own is the plot…and I'm not even positive about that…I always seem to think I'm creative and then months later I find out that I'm not…sigh…lets see…what else…Oh yes…I'm making NO money…sigh…hehehe…Albright already…just go read my story now!!!  
  
Rating: PG for slightly dark themes.  
  
  
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It happened on a day like today…all dark and windy…yes…it was a day like today that I lost the two people who meant the most in this world to me. My brother and my father…and so many more than I care to remember. I still don't understand how the sun can keep rising and setting…or how my lungs can still keep filling with air…how my heart keeps beating. It would be so much easier if I could just stop being…then I wouldn't have to hurt so bad…then I wouldn't have to remember that it was all my fault…where are those sleeping pills? They'll have to do for now…  
  
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It's so quiet in there…its always quiet in there. It didn't use to be that way…I can remember a time when there wasn't an hour in the day that there wasn't some kind of noise coming from this room…it use to drive his mother up the wall. Now I wonder if she would mind it so much. It's been so long since those happy days…how long…six months? Six years? Six lifetimes? I can't remember anymore. I remember this one time I was spending part of the summer here…it was the summer after my fourth year at Hogwarts…I thought the house was going to explode a few times…was that only three years ago? I guess it was…Goblins…I feel so much older. I guess defeating a Great Dark Wizard will do that to you…you don't have any other choice but to grow up. And maybe that isn't such a bad thing…I don't know…to be honest I don't even really know what I'm doing here…well, no that's not true. I'm here because Molly (will I ever get used to calling her that? She says that now that Harry and I have grown up we should call her by her first name.) asked me to come. I wish I knew what I was going to do…I don't understand why she asked me out of all of us to come here to try to talk to him…I wouldn't have thought that I was the best choice. But she seems to believe so, and I guess she should know…after all she is his mother. So…she wanted me here and I came…now the question is what to do when I walk through that door.  
  
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I can hear someone in the room…its probably mum…she's always close by…she always loves me, no matter what…its almost enough to make me care…almost. Why is she just standing there…I can feel her in the doorway…why wont she come in? Is it worth it to turn to look? Do I have that much strength? I guess I'm not completely dead…I still can't quite quench that stupid curiosity…here it goes… wait…that's not mum…its…Great Wizards…what is SHE doing her?  
  
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Merciful Heavens! Surely that's not the young man I used to know…that pale miserable creature…it simply cant' be the loving, caring, wonderful friend that used to make me laugh so hard…it just CAN"T…Great Wizards…so the fight isn't over yet…I thought when we defeated Voldemort the suffering would end…maybe we were wrong…maybe the real war is just beginning. Should I wake him? No…wait…he's turning…he sees me…Great Wizards his eyes are so…so…haunted. What do I say to him…maybe I should just open my mouth and see what comes out…  
"Hello George…it's…me…Hermione…" 


	2. I said get out!

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"Hermione." Great Wizards…did that horrible croaking sound just come out of my mouth? I guess that's what happens when you don't talk for weeks at a time...she's coming closer...sitting on the end of the bed...she's saying something...I can't hear...must be the pills...I'd almost forgotten about taking them...I'm sorry...  
  
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I can't cry...I can't...he can't see me crying...Goblins! Why does anyone have to suffer this much? I think he's asleep now...for a while he just lay there looking at me with those eyes...those empty eyes...I wonder if he realized when he reached out and grasped my hand? Poor, poor boy...what have we done to you? Show me how to help you...tell me how to pull you out of this darkness...look at him...even in sleep he doesn't relax...see how tight his forehead is...maybe I'll just sit here talking to him for awhile...  
"George? I know you are still there, somewhere. Well you need to listen to me for a minute Ok? I know you hurt. I know you just want to forget, but George, you can't do that. You can't simply give up; there are people here who need you. Molly needs you. George, I know you lost Fred and your Father and your friends, but George, your mother lost her husband, and she lost a son. Ron lost his father and his brother, I know it's worse for you, I cant' even begin to imagine how hard it must be to lose a twin, I guess its like losing half of yourself, but Ron still hurts, he needs you right now. Did you know he's getting married in the spring? Its true…you'll never guess to whom...Cho Chang...yes that's right. None of us could believe it either. It seems that they were together a lot in the training camps of our army, and well one thing led to another and it just happened. He's really happy, at least he wants to be, but it's hard for him to be truly happy because he's so afraid he's going to lose you. Ginny's frightened too, she idolizes you George. Did you know that that? I'm not sure she ever told you, but she wants to now, I've talked to her about it. There are so many things she wants to talk to you about, her final year at Hogwarts, her relationship with Harry and lots of other things. She wants to remember things about your father and brother, she wants to, but she can't George because you wont wake up, you wont give your family the chance to break through theses walls that you have built up around yourself, and they're too loving to force you. Well I'm warning you right now, I'm not that nice. When I came in here tonight I didn't know what I was here for, but I've figured it out now. I'm going to stay right here, next to you until you have the strength to face the world again. And then I'm going to push you...and I'm going to push you hard. This had lasted long enough; Voldemort's grip on you ends today. You may hate me when it's all over, but that wont matter because you'll have your life back. So get some rest tonight, tomorrow starts a whole new day."  
  
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Great Wizards! What is that light!!! It hurts my eyes; maybe if I ignore it, it will go away…Blast! Some GIT has opened all the windows; don't they understand I'm trying to sleep? Who do they bloody well think they are? If I could get out of this blasted bed I'd…but it doesn't matter what I'd do does it…I mean whatever it would be I can't do it can I, that's the whole thing isn't it? I'll just go back to sleep…sleep is safe; it's easy, it means no memories. Now where are those pills…I reach out for them on the table, but all my hand comes in contact with is a glass of water. Where are they, I can't feel them. Blast, I'll have to open my eyes, Goblins that light hurts! WHERE ARE THEY?!?! They were right here…  
"Looking for these?" I hear her voice and freeze…she really is here…I didn't dream it…her voice hurts in my ears almost as the light hurts my eyes. Hermione is standing in front of the window, her slender profile dark against the streaming sun. The pill bottle is in her hand. Why is she here?  
"Leave me alone Hermione," I growl. There is anger in my voice and it surprises me, I didn't know I had that much emotion left. Why does her presence here stir me up like this…I don't understand it and it makes me mad! I just want her out so I can get some sleep.  
"Its good to see you awake George." She says. She hasn't moved and I can't see her face, it makes me even angrier.   
"Get out." I say looking up at the ceiling so I don't have to see her face. "I don't want you here." She is still for a moment, then,  
"Well if that is how you feel George…" I breathe a sigh of relief, but she isn't done. "…but you'll just have to get over it, because I'm not going anywhere." Why does she always have to be so blasted stubborn!! Something in me snaps,  
"I said GET OUT!!!" I don't realize the glass has left my hand until I see it shatter against the wall.  
"You're angry," she says "That's good. You have to start feeling again George, you have to start living again."  
"HOW?" I scream at her "How am I supposed to start living again? You tell me!! How do I go on living knowing what I've done??? They don't want me! Why should they? Look what I did to them! It might as well have been me that killed…killed…" I can't bring myself to even say the names, what a bloody coward I am. "killed them."  
"George…" She says softly moving closer to me, I can see her eyes now, odd that even in my rage I notice her eyes. "it wasn't your fault. You can't believe that…"  
"It might has well have been! I was their commanding officer…I was in charge…It should have been ME!" She blinks at me…then tightening her lips turns on her heel and walks out of the door. I let myself fall back on to the pillows, it seems I don't need pills to make myself tired after all. I close my eyes and feel myself sliding into the blackness of sleep, but somehow I can't quite banish the vision of her eyes…  
  
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	3. Now what?

I can't take it personally.I know that. He's hurting and he's frightened, and he's taking it out on the wrong people. But my stars the words hurt. Standing there listening to him took me back to my first year at Hogwarts, back to the day I over heard Ron making fun of me. But that horrid experience ended with the forming of two of the most important friendships of my life. Perhaps this will end just as well--if I can only manage not to take it personally. Ok--what now--my hands are shaking, I've got to get a grip on myself. Dry up Hermione if you fall apart it's all for naught. All right. The next thing to do is to get him up and awake for more than a few moments at a time. Wizards, I had no idea he felt such guilt. I knew he was depressed, that he was grieving--but how can he think it was his fault, Voldemort was so strong, our side never had a chance. Not at that point anyway.  
  
He thinks he could have stopped it. How long was he in the hospital? Dose he even know that he almost saved Fred's life, that it was really the counter curse that killed him. It was such a shock, everyone thought he was ok, that things were going to be just fine, and then he had a really horrible reaction to the healing spells. It was over just like that, it all happened so fast no one was ready for it. We didn't even suspect it, Angelina was with him when it happened, I don't know if that was a blessing or a curse, the healers said her presence made is last few moments much more comfortable, but I'm not sure she will ever be the same. I don't see Angelina much anymore.  
  
Great Wizards, how am I supposed to do this--I don't even know where to begin, how do I decide to tell him and what to leave out until later, I feel that the wrong word said could destroy any chance I have of pulling him out of this, but on the other hand, I have to find a way to make him see that we still love him, that we need him. Blast! Why do I have to do this? Why can't it be Harry or Ron or--or--oh I don't know, anyone but me. I didn't ask for this! But hang it all, I couldn't walk away now--I don't want to. But how to make him see--wait--I think I might have an idea.  
  
  
  
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When I woke she was there, sitting by the bed reading.  
  
"Why are you here?" I ask, managing to force the words past the dry tightness of my throat. I think I surprised her, but I can't really tell because all she does is put down her book and look at me. "Why are you here?" I ask again, struggling to sit up. She reaches out and adjusts the pillows so that I am half sitting.  
  
"I'm here, because I'm tired of seeing you like this." She says very quietly, but there is a steadiness in her voice I don't think I've ever heard before. I look up at her face and find her eyes locked with mine. Her hand hesitates on my shoulder, then she reaches up and gently brushes the hair out of my eyes. "I'm here to make you well George." I feel the old anger rise up in me again. I jerk away from her touch.  
  
"You?" I hiss, "you are going to make me well?" Her expression falters, and I almost stop my self from saying the words forming in my head, but for some reason I don't. "How in the bloody hell do you come off thinking you can make me well? Do you know me? Do you know anything about me? No! You don't know anything! All you know is your blasted books! Maybe if you ever took the time to look at the people around you, you might see what's right under your nose. But you can't because you are too stuck up and selfish. You never even realized did you? In all our years at school together you never understood, how much I-Look forget it, it doesn't matter anymore. The point is you are the last person that could ever help me, and you are the last person I want here with me right now. There is only one person who could be any use to me, and he's gone, he's gone because I let him die. Yeah, Fred died because of me!! ME!! I let him die and my family can never forgive me, why should they? At least Dad isn't here to see how I've ruined their lives. You see my life isn't worth fixing. So why don't you just walk out of my life! I don't want you here!" There is confusion in her eyes as she pulls away.  
  
"Alright George." She says softly. "Then I guess there is nothing else I can do for you." She stands and walks toward the door but stops midway. "I have one last request for you." She says turning to looking at me, there are tears in her eyes. Tears that I put there, its almost enough to make me apologize, but then I remember all the times I had tears in my eyes because of her, because of how much I loved her. I remember how oblivious she was, how she didn't care and the knot in my heart hardens a little more.  
  
"What?" I say glairing at her. She moves back over to the bed and puts the book she was reading down on the bedside table.  
  
"Read this," she says, "Read it, and if you still believe no one cares for you then so be it. But if you find that you're wrong, then let them help you. They want to help you George, they love you, I--, they love you. Let them love you again." She turns and walks away, shutting the door behind her. For a long time I just sit there, then for some reason I can't explain I reach out for the book and open the cover--wait a minute, these are letters, letters to me.  
  
  
  
A/N: Ok---let me just say here and now that I HATE this chapter-its short and its disjointed and it's just dumb. AHHHHHH--this fic is being really squirrelly right now, I can't seem to get it to go where I want it to. I'm having MAJOR problems with it, that is why the updates are so far apart. I'm really sorry for that, thanks SOOOOO much to all of you who have kept up with this-sigh-maybe this fic is just not meant to be I don't know, at any rate, exams are almost over and then I'll have two weeks with nothing to worry about so maybe I can get some headway done, here's hoping any way. 


	4. What comes next?

I don't know how long I had been sitting on the stairs when Ron found me. I wasn't expecting him and when he put his hand on my shoulder I almost jumped through the roof.  
  
"RON WEASLEY! Don't you EVER do that to me again!" I cry, he just laughs and sits beside me. Cho's been good for Ron, he laughs more than he used to, but there is still a shadow in his eyes. Yet another price of war, do they ever end? We sit in silence for a few moments, its nice to feel him next to me again. If I close my eyes I can almost feel the heat of the fire in the Common Room, I can almost hear the other Hogwarts students complaining about homework, it's almost like being home—almost.  
  
"You know one of the things I really love about you?" He says suddenly. I look up surprised and shake my head, no. "You're persistent." He smiles "Actually its one of the things I hate about you too. Its one of the reasons we've been best friends for so long. You don't give up." I sigh and lean my head back against the stair railing. I don't have to ask why he is saying this, I know.  
  
"Ron, I can't help him. He doesn't want me. There's nothing more I can do." He reaches over and gently shakes my arm.  
  
"Come now Hermione." He says, there is a gentle chiding to his voice I haven't heard before. "That isn't like you at all." I look away  
  
"What if it is like me Ron? I mean, what is really me? I don't think I know any more. I feel like I've lost myself, and I don't know how to fix things. I'm just useless!"  
  
"That's not true and you know it." He says, "How did you expect him to react? Were you expecting him to just jump up and say, 'well now that Hermione is here its all ok and I'll never be sad again'? It not going to work that way, this is something you can't learn form a book, you have to feel it, and I think you need to evaluate your own feelings here." I felt my head jerk up involuntarily, I found the deep eyes of my friend studying my face. My face went hot.  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask, more sharply than I mean to. He reaches out and took my chin in his hand.  
  
"He needs you Hermione, not me, not Harry, he needs you. He's needed you for a long time. If anyone is going to reach him it has to be you. He's my brother Hermione; I'd do anything to help him. But I can't reach him anymore. He's built up walls that I don't know how to break through." Ron looks away and my eyes fill with tears, I hadn't realized how helpless he must feel about all this. "He doesn't even talk to me, to any of us, he's locked himself away in that dark room and if something doesn't change he'll withdraw so far that not even you will be able to reach him." I pull my face away.  
  
"I'm sorry Ron." I say, "I just don't' think I can make a difference."  
  
"What makes you want to walk away? His resistance to you, or your resistance to him?" I twist around to look at him, but he just smiles and leans in to kisses me gently on the forehead. "Help him Herm, help him and you just might find the missing part of yourself." With that he is gone and I let my head rest against the railing again, wondering if Ron has been able to see something I am just beginning to suspect.  
  
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These are letters to me. Letters from my family, my friends, even some of my old teachers. I sit in stunned silence, not sure if I want to read them or not. I'm not sure if I could handle what they say, I'm afraid I wont be able to accept what they say, and I'm even more afraid of what will happen if I do. It's so much easier when I can lay all the blame on myself. You see if there is no one to blame, if the my company really was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, well then it means that none of us really have control over our lives, that we are all being tossed around on some "wind of fate" or something. It means that I have to give up control of my life, and I can't handle not being in control.  
  
I've been in control all my life. I know it doesn't seem like it, I mean all my years at Hogwarts must seem like a wild whirlwind of insanity with no real purpose, but it wasn't like that at all. Every word, every movement, every prank was planed, it was gone over again and again to be sure it was just right. People saw only what I wanted them to see, period. There is only one time I can think of where anyone saw me weak enough to cry. It was my third year, Fred and I had just made the Qudditch team as beaters and we were in the middle of our first training session when a bludger got away from Fred and hit me right between the eyes. It shattered my nose and fractured my forehead in three places. It hurt. I remember screaming as I fell, I came to a few moments after I landed on the field and felt myself sobbing before I blacked out again. I was so disgusted with myself, when I woke up in the hospital I vowed that I would never let anyone see me cry ever again. I've done it too, I've never let anyone see me cry, it's been easy because from that day on I didn't cry, not even when I was alone.  
  
The closest I ever came was in our seventh year, Dad went on a mission for Dumbledor, and he never came back. I still wonder what would have happened if I had just broken down and cried. I think I would still be crying, but by that point I had learned how to keep my emotions in check. Maybe "captive" is a better word. Really it became a blessing, I mean you can't let yourself feel on the battlefield. If you do you hurt so much you can't go on. I've seen it happen. So I guess in that way I was spared, if you can call it that. My personal belief is that it would have been a blasted lot easier if I had been the one killed on that battlefield. But no one ever asks me. I'm at an impasse, I can't go forward and I can't go back.  
  
So now the question is—How do I go on from here?  
  
  
  
  
  
(A|N: Ok…here we go--lets hope the creative juices are flowing for good now--I really want to finish this—and considering how this work has been going that is a step in the right direction. I think I'll have a bit more free time now so I'll be working as hard as I can to get this done. Let me stop here to say THANK YOU to all you wonderful reviewers, I can't tell you how much your kind words have helped me go on with this story. I was very discouraged last time and you have helped greatly! Thanks! Oh—and btw—Ron is with Cho because I and writing this story and I say so *grin* I'm afraid that I have a bit soft spot in my heart for Cho (hence the Cho story in my profile) and I'm not really sure why everyone is so against her. So there you have it—be gentle please.) 


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